I can't tell you how many people ask me - on a daily basis - what exactly the "Fruit Fucker" featured in this strip does. The device is fairly straightforward, one might say, in its operation. I do hope we have resolved your curiosity with regards to this marvelous device, in addition to revealing how the Lithtech Engine came to be the black foundation of so much human misery. Well, don't mention it. We're just revealers, that's all. We love to reveal. At the risk of being hyperbolic, I received a fuck-ton of offers for my book. In the end, though - one offer shone through the night, like a shiny thing that you see, like, at night. You must understand, in the full regalia of my Tycho persona, the offers of ass come in faster than I could possibly service them. And the souls? Don't talk to me about souls. I'll bite just the top off of a soul, and throw the rest away. No, I need something bigger. Colder. More northern. So, when Nicole Campbell offered an entire Canada for my book, obviously this required my full consideration. As you can well imagine, this took a while. After all, this would be my first Canada - and I was sort of nervous. In the end I decided to take her up on it. To my many subjects in Canada, which I am fond of calling Tychonia, greetings. I think we're going to get along great, provided one of you fuckers goes and gets me a big-ass bag of marshmallows.

If somebody can tell me why our crew plays the Objektive mode in Medal of Honor to the virtual exclusion of all else, I would really like to know. The network play isn't all that great. One of the maps - Omaha Beach, or colloquially, Omaha Bitch - is hardly a level at all, it's more like someone trying to convince you that taking a beach from Germans can be very, very hard. There's no clear way to enact any kind of change to the server's operation. Stability could be better. But when you're playing one of the other three brilliant maps, sneaking around in an Axis compound or through the cracked husk of once civilized country, 2015's luxurious attention to detail pays out like a Vegas jackpot. The tension produced by these parameters (amazing levels, no respawn, superlative sound and character design) can be unreal. It's fun for largely the same reasons Counter-Strike is fun, the whole "Death actually matters" or "You're the last man" thing, but the World War II hook that contains all this action positively sparkles. It could sparkle more - with more obvious democracy mechanisms and cleaner network performance - but the fact that we put up with its foibles every Goddamn night, waiting through that stupid Omaha, well, it says something about it. Something good.

It's plain to see that we aren't the guys you want to come to for opinions on racing games. We're male only in a purely biological sense, i.e. we're not into cars, and largely prefer to imagine these strange machines mobilized by benevolent aardvarks. As such, a game like Motor City Online presents something of a dilemma - obviously, I'm curious about it whenever a genre penetrates into a massively multiplayer context. But I'm not in any position to know whether or not it's actually good, for the reasons I've already explored. Luckily, reader Keith Mezzina is perhaps too enthusiastic about the subject matter, and I took the opportunity to grill him about MCO. The resultant entree is available here.

We'll see yas Wednesday, check below for links of enduring flavour.

(CW)TB out.

you've been hauling the wrong line

I'm fitting to drop the mad links, yo. And I'm fairly sure none of these links goes to anything terrifying.

Buttercup Festival: Author/Illustrator Elliott G. Garbauskas asked if I could spread the word about his work, and I am only too happy to do so. Spare rendering and capricious dialogue make this one a keeper.

Pong - The Movie: Jon Dobres sent this in, and I think you'll be glad he did.

Muffin Films: Jon sent this one in too, as the "Pssst" film on the site reminded him of our "The Next Level" strip from last week. And "Pssst" is good, yes, but there are other great ones - she has another series as well, Big Bunny, which has bunnies.

Tendrils: I kind of wish there was a web-based game where I could hacking and slashing my way through classic games. Oh wait, there is.

Limp Bizkit Tryouts of TERROR: True tales of one guitarists' attempt to join Limp Bizkit. Who knows if it was the complex plot to reap fans' guitar riffs that they seem to imply it was - but I'd like to direct extra reader attention to the three page contract they had to sign. Just so you know, that sounds about like the contract you have to sign virtually any time your intellectual property rubs up against a large media corporation. As someone in a unique position to understand why, let me caution in the most strident way possible anyone who puts a pen to this sort of document.

See if those don't treat you right.

(CW)TB

Royal Cartographer Braum Meakes has finalized this new map of our proud nation, I'd appreciate it if you'd just toss the out of date ones.

That is all.

(CW)TB

A few years ago, I was at a Spike & Mike's Sick and Twisted Film Festival (sorry, no link... everything I can find points to iFilm.com), and I saw a clever little short entitled "Ah, L'Amour". Seeing as how many of you may be sad, lonely bastards this coming Valentine's Day, I thought I'd give you all a little cheer, at least until you all flood the site and break it. Enjoy!


[DM]Safety Monkey out.

I have tried on countless occasions over the past few days to talk to Tycho about his decision to accept Canada in trade for his book. I have explained to him that this person who e-mailed him probably does not have the authority to give Canada away. I have also tried to tell him that even if this person did have that kind of authority Canada is not such a hot deal. I mean he had people offering him Virtual boys and Classic arcade machines and he chooses a frozen wasteland where the people talk funny and smell like bacon. I’m not saying he’s an idiot I’m just saying that he is the stupidest person that has ever lived, or will ever live in the history of the entire universe.

Today’s comic strip makes heavy use of Fonts from Blambot fonts. I don’t give nearly as much credit to these guys as I should. Many of the bad ass fonts you see at Penny Arcade come from this very talented group of guys.

Also as many of you know I tend to hang out in the forum a lot. I have been talking for a long time about new forum software. Well it is finally happening. Our Web mistress extraordinaire Emma, is hard at work on our new forum right this minute. You will now be required to register in order to post on the forum, but I think this will cut down a lot on trolls and nonsense posts. We also plan to have a special forum accessible only to members of Club PA. So that should be fun.

Confidential to Tycho- You’re a cockjockey and I am sick of your cockjockery.

-Gabe out