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Tycho

Gabe and Kara were driven from their home by gigantic arachnids earlier this week, while professionals filled their home with poison.  Where we’re from originally, Spokanistan, they have spiders, but they don’t go to school or some shit like they do here.  They don’t eat birds or drive cars, for example.  Spiders on this side of the state can legally marry.

Thank you very much for writing in, everyone who wrote in about the Army Game thing.  I do apologize that the volume I received made it virtually impossible for me to respond to most of it, but you may be sure that it was read by a human being, even if you were very, very angry, like a bear who has learned to type.  The way I formulated the question in the post (“Why are Army games dangerous, and others are not”) seemed to keep things by and large from focusing on the political element, which is a good thing in my opinion.  Good, because Political Commentary anywhere it doesn’t intersect with games is outside the site’s charter, and it’s difficult to contain a discussion like that once it starts.  Good, too, because I’d had enough political and theological discussions by the time I was nineteen to figure out that they are functionally inert.  No-one convinces anyone of anything, everybody just heaps their baggage on the table and gestures at it wildly.

One of the most intriguing angles, and one I’d considered only briefly, was its possible effect on game development - established developers who must now compete with a new, publicly funded product that is free to consumers.  I see this as a valid concern, but I do question how much effect this factor will actually have.  Either as a compliment to one party or an insult to the other, I don’t really care how it’s interpreted, I don’t distinguish between mods and retail games anymore.  I just don’t.  CS, FLF, and DoD made the distinction irrelevant for me, every game that comes out competes with every other game for my attention and claims victory on merit.  I’ll bet I’m not the only one with this innovative policy.  When one game is free, Bob Gamer isn’t running over to the bank to deposit sixty dollars because now he’s saving money all of the sudden.  You know what I’m talking about.  It’s like Jesus floated down from heaven, pulled his loaves and fishes, Konami code shit, and now you’re getting two games instead of one.  Hallelujah.  It’s enough to make a man get the joy, joy, joy, joy down in his heart.  Where?  Down in his heart.   

In short, good games have nothing to fear from this.  Middling games will get reamed, and stupid crap will be manhandled by Penny Arcade in a filthy alley as per usual. 

After innumerable requests, we decided we might as well capitulate.  Our new garment - entitled The Dirty Dozen - is now available.  Jim has long since moved out, of existence I mean, but I like to think he would have been proud.

Brenna and I are going to see The White Stripes this weekend, which I might appreciate more if she were not wearing a shirt that said “I Love Jack White.”  I considered a host of reprisals - fashioning a shirt which read “I Love Cat From The Screensavers,” or perhaps “Our Union Fills Me With Shame.”  Then, I remembered that she let me write on like three girls.   

(CW)TB out.

i’ve got the peace that passes understanding

Batjew

The weekly beating of the dead horse that the lonely teenagers in love with girls that already have boyfriends ride is UP.

Kara and I are thinking that future installments may be something more along the lines of Dr. Kara and Nurse Batjew, simply because I think we’re running out of ways to answer the same question over and over again.  PLEASE, send us some different kinds of questions

Gabe

Gather round kids and let Uncle Gabe tell you a story. I was maybe eight or nine years old and living with my family in Spokane. The house we lived in was constantly invaded by large black beetles. As a young boy I was never keen on disposing of them in a reasonable fashion. So I would take my mothers Tupperware bowls and simple cover the little bastards up. When my father would come home from work he would find the bowls and get rid of the offending insects while discouraging me from ever doing that again. One day apparently sick of my antics my dad simply moved the bowl a few feet towards my bed. I returned to my room to find the bowl in a different spot and immediately attributed it to the massive strength of the bug contained within. Its choice of direction and distance covered not only implied that he knew where I slept but that he would reach it in short order. Needless to say I was scarred for life. Flash forward 13 years. In every marriage there needs to be one person who accepts the role of bug killer. Kara and I discovered early in our marriage that neither one of us can stand insects. Mere weeks after our glorious union we sat huddled on the couch cursing and shaking our fists at a tiny spider who had somehow managed his way into our home. As we looked at each other we realized that we had no bug killer. “I just assumed you would kill them” she said. “Well I just assumed you would kill them” I retorted. As the years went by I unwillingly took up the mantle of exterminator. I was eventually able to handle all the various bugs Spokane could throw at me.  It wasn’t until we moved here to Seattle that I was once again reduced to a blubbering fool huddled on the couch, too scared to even move. These spiders are huge. I’m talking Land of the fucking Lost huge. This is some serious science fiction shit I’m dealing with here. I sucked one up with the vacuum cleaner and then backed away from it slowly. I looked at Kara and she told me to throw the vacuum away and we would just buy another one. Immediately I made my way with it to the dumpster. As I went though I calculated the expenses associated with purchasing a new vacuum cleaner each and every time we saw a spider. At the rate we were encountering these mutant arachnids we would spend the rest of our life in debt to Target. It was then that we made the decision to have our apartment filled with poisonous gas. The next few days were like a fucking vacation. We were walking around barefoot again like we were on some kind of tropical beach. Then I found a note scrawled on a piece of notebook paper and left near my bedside table. It said in shaky handwriting as if written during the agonizing moments before death, “This is not over.”

I don’t want you to read Greg Kasavin’s review of Lost Kingdoms and think it’s a bad game. Greg is a nice enough guy but judging by a few errors in his review I’m not entirely sure he played the full game. He makes mention of the fact that the game is short and offers no side quests. I have counted no less than four side quests so far. Each one of them offering a different story only loosely connected with your main quest. These side quests are not necessary, however if you decide to take them on they tend to reward you with some very cool cards. I cannot speak to the games length as I am not finished with it yet. I will say that the six hours I have put into it so far have been time well spent. I will agree with Greg that the environments are a bit boring and the puzzles are all very simple. However the levels only serve as a mechanism to move you from battle to battle. This game is not about exploration and talking to every townsperson you see. This game is about card battles and the strategy associated with them. This is hardly an RPG at all in fact. It is a trading card game that you play on your television. Greg complains that all you can spend money on is cards. Well that’s all I want to spend my money on. Purchasing new cards and building your deck is half the fun of this game. The other half is using your cards to beat the shit out of monsters. Don’t listen to Greg on this one guys. Lost Kingdoms is a fantastic game and certainly worth purchasing.

Confidential to Blue: No one cares about your dog’s poo.

-Gabe out

Tycho

Gabriel: I hope blue reads my confidential

Tycho: i hope blue catches ebola and his face melts off

Gabriel: hah

Gabriel: after he reads my confidential

Tycho: well, yeah

Tycho: maybe we should put this in the post

Tycho: except for the part about putting it in the post

Gabriel: you should

Gabriel: yeah and the part about you should

Tycho: control-c, control-v

Tycho: just like the pros

(CW)TB

Batjew

Yeah, FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.  Behold, the COMEDY GENIUS of Gabe and Tycho, folks.  “Internet Gods” indeed.  I’m going to kill them both… you all realize this, right?

Gabe

I uploaded a new image to gabeart. Oh, and I uploaded a new gabeart.

-Gabe

Tycho

I got really excited when I saw Batjew’s post, but I thought he was talking about Metroid.

(CW)TB

Gabe

Lots of people are mailing me and asking about the side quests in Lost Kingdoms. Some of you have even gone so far as to call me a “God damned liar”. You have to talk to Gurd people. You know, the old chick that runs the card shop. Talk to her every time you go to the shop. Sometimes she will ask if you want to hear an interesting story. Say YES! She will then tell you a story about something going on in another area that you might be interested in checking out. When you go back to the map, that area will appear. I have already played five side quests and each one of them is great. It’s also a good way to get some very rare cards. I have some friends at Nintendo that are apparently playing the game as well. My plan is to head over there this week with my memory card and give the two player battle mode a shot. I’ll let you know how it goes.

There are a couple very cool new updates at Neo-Geo.com.

1. The latest Neo-Geo MVS (Arcade) release is a fighting game called Rage of the Dragons. Check out pictures of the complete package here. Shit-Damn! that is a gorgeous looking kit.

2.The home release of Metal Slug 4 is just around the corner. Here is a shot of the insert.  I think it looks damn cool. On a related not I’d like to thank everyone who went and played Metal Slug 4 and then mailed me their thoughts. I read them all even if I couldn’t respond to each of you. The response to the homework assignment was so great that I’ll probably have to give out more homework in the future.

Sorry I couldn’t make it to the LAN party Chris. Kill some Nazis for me.

-Gabe out.