Perhaps Lord Gabriel will grace us with an audience later today, and detail for us why he has broken ranks on the critical Kingdom Hearts issue. Don't ask me though, because I don't know. He might have said why at some point, but he doesn't really enunciate. Half the time he talks it sounds like he's chewing on a superball.

Whenever I decide that it's time to jump on a P2P service and really start stealing some music, invariably I remember why I uninstalled those applications. Max introduced me to Kazaa Lite - that is to say, Kazaa minus Spyware - but my issues with the peer to peer experience don't have to do with pop-ups or cookies or anything else. They Are Two-Fold.

Inefficient Time Investment is a polysyllabic way of saying that I can't get the shit I ran the program for. There are many reasons for this, chief among them is the fact that - at many levels - Human Goddamn Beings are present. Songs with the wrong names. Songs with the right names, but the wrong band. A song that says it's a new Eminem song, and it is, but it's only the Goddamn chorus over and over like a twenty times. A song that says it's a new Eminem song, and proudly proclaims "NO LOOPS!," but upon listening it becomes apparent very quickly that the song is, in fact, all loops. It is entirely composed of nothing but loops. Why do you feel the need, assholes? These songs don't name themselves this inaccurate shit, you have to go in there manually and type it in. I know that some labels poison the well, flooding the commonwealth with this kind of stuff. It's gotten so desperate that I nearly went out and purchased an album. Frightful.

The Law Of Pornography is clear when it states that I'm fucking crazy about porn. When I had music-only services like Napster, I could execute the application and stand a reasonable chance of downloading a song of some kind, even if it wasn't the song I was looking for. The new applications that have taken its place are freaky, pointy, Swiss-Army Knives of file snaring prowess, and are less discriminatory about the types of files they will get you. As much as I may have wanted Meryn Cadell's The Sweater, in the face of an unmetered porn smorgasbord, let me just say that there are certain configurations of human beings for which I have a bottomless appetite.

After about a week of bobbing my head to looped rap hooks and interspecies dalliances, I decide there's probably something else I could be doing.

Also, have you ever seen a raccoon? They're gigantic, they're like furry, grey sedans.

I was going to wait for Rockstar to send us their Grand Theft Auto: Vice City ads before I introduced this month's sponsors, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Having sponsors to begin with puts me in sort of a predicament. For example, in August I probably played Atomica every day. Ordinarily, I would talk here in the post about a game I played every day, but with a big ad over there on the right that said "ATOMICA GODDAMIT," I'd never expect you to believe that my affections were genuine. The trouble is, we've actually been pretty lucky in who has decided to go with us, so it's been good stuff by and large. How discreet should I be, under those circumstances? It's new territory. Well, I'm not going to agonize over it anymore. You can play the games I play, keep the receipts, and decide for yourself.

The long and the short of it is that I played the Hegemonia all weekend. It is situated between galactic empire sims and real-time strategy, which for me accurately describes Heaven. I don't know if you ever played the Imperium Galactica series, it's from the same guys - if you do recall those games, celebrate with me right now by twirling your finger and saying "yay" very quietly so that we disturb no-one. After investing myself far too heavily in a limited demo, I was hoping I'd be able to just go grab it - but I think we're looking middle of November.

(CW)TB out.

the best, cutest, quietest version of yourself

Yes it's true, I think Kingdom Hearts is complete shit. I purchased it because Kara is a big Disney fan and I was hoping it would be something we could play together. Early in the game Kara got frustrated with the jumping and passed the controller off to me. At first I tried to enjoy it, but that just wasn't going to happen. So then I looked at it like a job. I knew it wasn't going to be fun but I had to finish this game. That lasted for about five or six hours. Eventually it was everything I could do not to break the game in half and throw it in the garbage.

They should change the name from Kingdom Hearts to "Lame jumping puzzles with worlds most fucked up camera hearts." At least that way people would know what they were getting into. After playing it most of the day on Saturday I finally told Kara that I couldn't do it anymore. I told her that each minute I spent hopping from one stupid thing to another as the camera swung wildly around behind me was like nails on a chalkboard. She asked if I might give it a try again later and I explained that I would rather die. Oh God, and the Gummi ship. Whose brilliant idea was the fucking Gummi ship!?

"You know Bob, I don't think our game is shitty enough yet. Instead of just having the player wait while the next poorly conceived level loads, why not make them play a half assed space shooter?"

"I love it! Let's go get wrecked."

My recommendation is that Square stick to making the same game over and over again rather than branching out into unfamiliar genres.

-Gabe out

You may not know this but Penny Arcade is actually translated into Spanish. Check out Juegos Online.

-Gabe out

I'm going to fucking edify you whether you like it or not. These aren't particularly game-related.

Wildcard: I linked to Guerrilla News back when they published a report called Coca-Karma, which related the tale of one Bob Kolody who inadvertently came to own Coca-Cola's trademarks. I don't remember what I said about it at the time, but I thought it was a great story. I'm a person who believes steadfastly that an array of firm penises hover in the periphery, poised to screw the reasonable and the sensible people of the Earth. A tale that pits big guys against little guys is always delicious to me, because it confirms my deepest suspicions: that the universe is cosmically, irrevocably, now and forever the story of concentrated power and the dark shadows it casts.

I ran a little long there.

I don't put a lot of stock in Coca-Karma anymore, if I ever did - but proof of its veracity would not shock me overmuch. Likewise, I don't put any stock in Guerilla News' latest action/adventure serial, Wildcard. That does not, however, affect its being a fascinating yarn! Ride with GNN's Sander Hicks on a wild safari through the vaguely credible.

Piracy Of Intellectual Property On Peer-to-Peer Networks: That seems like a pretty dry title, and for many people this may not go down smooth. These are transcripts of an oversight hearing on Peer-to-Peer Piracy that has some all-star players in there. This is but the first item in the list - literate netizens might also be intrigued by other digital liberty issues, recorded farther down.

(CW)TB

People are asking me why I liked the Import version of KH and not the US version. The Land of the Rising Fun is about my impressions of a game. Sometimes the games I get are so jam packed with Japanese that all I'm able to offer are my impressions of it because I either have no clue what's going on or I can't get very far. Other times the games are almost entirely in English and I can give a more detailed review, like in the case of Tekken 4 or KOF 2000. What I saw of KH in the import version was pretty cool. The graphics are great and the combat starts out being pretty fun. I honestly didn't play enough of it to get to the bad stuff. So yes, my initial impressions of KH were that it was going to be a great game. Needless to say I was pretty fucking disappointed. If I make a mistake I am the first person to come out and admit it. I was way off base with my initial thoughts on KH.

-Gabe out.

Thank you for calling Gabe on that, as it saved me having to do it. He's out of control. Waiter! More wine!

(CW)TB

While I appreciate the fact that so many of you are mailing me and stating that you agree with my statements regarding KH I think you missed the point of my post. I do not hate the game because it is a mixture of Square and Disney characters like so many of you seem to think. In fact that was what originally attracted me to the game! So please don’t send me any more of your retarded Final Fantasy fan boy e-mails about how you can’t believe Square would make a game with Disney characters in it. I also don’t want to hear about how pissed you are that Sephiroth was voiced by what’s his name from IN SINC. The game sucks because it is a bad game with bad controls and bad level design. The concept, voice acting and presentation are all fantastic.

-Gabe out

Apparently the Xbox game BC from Lionhead Studios is a rich and detailed dinosaur fucking simulation. I can't wait!

-Gabe out

I'm just glad Tina Turner finally got her own game.

(CW)TB