Today's strip goes out to Rosario and Matt, who stood behind Gabe in the Bruce Campbell line - since they sat there for nearly three hours, they had a chance to get acquainted. Today's comic isn't our story, so much as it is their story, which I will now relate.

Ahem.

So, while one of them is holding the other's place in line, his "friend" keeps coming back with increasingly elaborate treasures. A hat. An inflatable Growlanser broadsword, swung about for effect. Unauthorized digital photos of a woman's bottom. Eventually, the guy in line has had enough, and demands an opportunity to have an adventure of his own. As he moves out to seek fame and fortune, the guy who has taken his place recognizes Gabe - by the time his friend comes back from the showfloor empty handed, he's got two signed PA sketches. The whole thing seemed so Penny Arcade that we had to do a comic on it. Yes, the characters in our strip are based on us insofar as that is very convenient, but as you can see in early comics we never even intended for them to have names. They were supposed to be everybody. With as many people that do writing in to say we've emulated their own natural camaraderie, it feels good to have our intuition pay off: that there are tiny, invulnerable coalitions of gamers like ourselves, from hell to breakfast, worldwide.

So, what did I learn during Summer Vacation? I mean, E3?

Well, I learned that the finest GameBoy Advance lighting solution is, in fact, a passenger airliner. I'm serious. There's something about those overhead lights, warm and diffuse, that rubs the GBA just right.

I came back to a few mails irate because we didn't cover Title X, where X equals what they think is most important out of a three day show that consumes an entire convention center. I'm only too happy to relate my opinions on anything I saw, and I'll be doing that all week as I collect my thoughts - but there are gaming news sites up the ass on the Internet, you might have heard of them, and if you're looking for this whole "up to the minute" thing you should go to those instead. That's really not what we're about. I don't know what we are about, but it's not that. People who wanted to know about Warcraft III? It's brilliant, I don't know why you're even asking. Full Throttle II? They showed a short movie of some motorcycles driving around. That's it. Star Wars: Galaxies? They have a vat of psychics suspended in fluid that know what you want. World of Warcraft? Unmatched art direction married to the most accessible MMOG in history. I'll answer more as I get them, and as I remember - but I go to E3 as a gamer, to be up to my shoulders in games, and it's not our intention to try and out-Gamespot Gamespot.

I'll relate something that is a little strange: I don't think of anything outside my apartment as being real, by and large. The problem this creates when I go to E3 - or anywhere else, I suppose, but E3 is the only place I really go - is that, since nothing is real, it doesn't matter if I behave extremely poorly, because the universe isn't tallying this not-real stuff anywhere. In LA's unruly, Godless moral vacuum, I discovered that I like to take things very, very much. Let's run the tally.

Twelve (12) Fruit Juices, Various

One (1) Wall Street Journal

One (1) Plastic Document Stand

Tim Schafer's Yo-Yo

Five (5) Turkey Croissants, and

Two (2) Chopsticks.

I wasn't even aware that a person could feel pleasure in some of those places. The last time I felt this variety of heat - which I imagine to be the exhaust of mischief - was in the sixth grade, when (on the street where they just left trays of candy out on Halloween) I cleaned off the whole fucking block. I must have emptied twenty houses worth into my Superman pillowcase, the man of Steel's otherworldy strength more than enough to bear the load. It got to the point where Batjew was whispering in one ear that I should take things, and Gabe had to physically stop me from doing it. I figure I can double this number next year if Tim Shafer brings two yo-yo's.

I saw Trent Reznor at E3 as well, most likely there for the Doom III announcement. Like many people my age, his ballads of devil-fucking and assorted other kinds of fucking provided a ready soundtrack to my burgeoning misandry. He is a figure of legend. He's also two feet tall, I swear to God.

Also, we have not one, but two Wavebirds, and unlike these Philistines on your Internet, we do not see them as some anonymous quantity in a mercantile transaction. They are to be cherished in their velvety pouches, cared for, and ultimately used to kick the shit out of Team Volta in Soccer Slam, which I demand you go immediately to the store and purchase.

I have a feeling this is going to be a chatty day for me. Come back and see us.

(CW)TB out.

words are a motherfucker

Planetside Shit: I never did get in to see the game I was most excited about, but a couple guys from Planetside Center hooked me up with what they saw. They put up some good stuff on their site as well, and everybody can have some.

C&C Generals Stuff: This is a great description of the Generals demo that was shown at E3, and I trust Warrior to tell the story. A couple E3's ago, he and I were lamenting the lack of properly modeled supressive fire in squad-based first person shooters, and it was then that I decided to keep an eye out for his opinions on things.

Jon Katz Review of Dogtown and Z-Boys: I started caring about pop-culture documentaries when they started talking about my culture. This one joins Scratch and Bang the Machine in a recent spate of gleeful examinations.

Silent Hill 3: I already talked about it a little bit, but I need to explicitly establish that I think Silent Hill is the best franchise in gaming. This IGN Article claims that the story contains all new characters, which is fine, but a little disappointing - from the vague dialogue present in the trailer, I'd let myself hope that the new, female protagonist was connected to the first game. I won't say how, because I'm nice. Whatever anyone says, until I have more information, I choose to believe that Konami's gone for a bit of continuity in number three.

GameSpot's Shenmue II Coverage: There was a button on the controller you could manipulate to change the look of the game at any time - the basic one with a light glow around all characters, a black and white filter, and a red/orange filter. It doesn't really look as good as I was hoping it might, but it's not done yet, and no matter how it turns out it'll at least load faster than the DC version. Sheesh.

Mashimaro: Think "Marshmallow." Think of an insane nation that lets creatures like this run free.

(CW)TB

Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance. Oh for the love of

The "Whore Whore Revolution" level in Dead to Rights. While waiting in line for the sneak-peak at Earth and Beyond, we watched people playing various levels in Dead to Rights. One of the levels seemed to involve making a stripper pole dance to the music(much like DDR) while the main character sneaks around to the back. It was pretty funny for the first minute but as far as I could tell it seemed to go on for 5 FUCKING MINUTES. OKAY, GOT THE POINT. YES, WHORE IS GYRATING. ENOUGH. I am looking forward to it coming out despite the WWR level. Hopefully they cut the length of that crap to a reasonable level.

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. Last year G, T and I were just blown away by what we saw of this game. I'm can't say for sure what happened between then and now but I can probably guess. Since Microsoft has decided that this game is coming to X-Box first, they have probably also decided that the game also needs to come out RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. I'm pretty sure that they are being rushed to pound out this title as quickly as possible in order to cash in on the Episode II game-rush, even though it has nothing at all to with Episode II. There were no combat scenes last year, just an incredible engine with fantastic visuals. For some reason it just didn't look as good as it did last year. I don't know if that has to do with it being on the X-box or what. The combat seems kind of off as well. It was like, lightsaber swipe... pause... lightsaber swipe. I know that its a turn-based RPG game with rules that involve invisible dice or whatever, but I don't think there's any reason it should LOOK like it's a turn-based RPG with invisible dice. In fact I think BECAUSE it's a turn-based RPG with invisible dice it should look stylish as hell since it's not really dependent on player reaction time! I think this is especially important seeing as Jedi Outcast made the saber fighting look so great. I think a setup where the player engages in combat and the system takes over and turns it into a full-on randomly choreographed fight sequence, complete with camera control or what have you would be really fucking cool. As your character progresses and gains experience his/her fighting style becomes better and more dramatic as your light/dark Jedi becomes more powerful. Something like that would really keep me interested. One of the main reasons I don't really play RPGs anymore is because the fight sequences are too repetitive. I know something like that could take a long time to program, but there's no reason it couldn't be done. If they could have more time to develop this game I think they could really churn out something fantastic. Hopefully this is the case. Hopefully Microsoft isn't rushing our pals at Bioware. Hopefully time will prove me wrong.

The Future of Gaming: Volume 2. What the hell was this? All it was was a fucking picture of a chicks ass in pink panties. And in front of the picture of a chicks ass in pink panties were two chicks... IN PINK PANTIES. And in front of them? HORDES OF HORNY DORKS CLAMORING TO TAKE PICTURES OF ALL THE PINK PANTIED ASSES. This crap makes me ill. I like a pink-pantied ass as much as the next guy, but for Christ's sake! HAVE SOME FUCKING DIGNITY. Also! Think about who is saying "GET DIGNITY." That's how bad it really is. As far as I can tell, there are few things in life as sad as a slouching nerd in a Beavis and Butthead shirt getting his picture taken with stupid whores that are paid to let slouching nerds get close enough to them and their pink panties to get their picture taken. Then these slouching nerds probably go home, develop the pictures, stare at them, sigh and then email Kara and I and tell us they're shy and ask why they can't get a girlfriend. SO SEE? THIS EFFECTS ME PERSONALLY, SO KNOCK IT OFF.

Like Tycho I have also been getting quite a bit of mail asking for my opinions on Game "X". I honestly never even saw many of the games that people want me to comment on. That isn't to say they weren't there. A quick look at Gamespot reveals a whole host of titles that escaped my detection on the show floor. Like Tycho said, we go down there as gamers not journalists. My goal isn't to see every title on the floor or even every title in a booth. I see something cool in the distance and I wander over to it, then I see something else cool and I go over there. In fact even in our little group we all ended up splitting up. The crew broke down into Batjew, Kiko and I. We went off to look at all the action and fighting games. Tycho, Monkey and Pork wanted to see all the Strategy shit. They don't care that King of Fighters on the GBA is fucking great and I don't care that Dynasty Tactics is apparently the shit. If you want detailed coverage of all the games at the show go to Gamespy or Gamespot. If you want to hear about the stuff I liked keep reading.

It was the year of Star Wars games. We actually got an appointment to see all the new SW games in the Lucas Arts booth. It was like being inside Joy.

Star Wars Galaxies
I actually had the opportunity to sit down with Haden Blackman the producer for this title and ask him some questions. You will be able to read my full interview with him some time next week probably over at Amazon. I asked him some pretty dorky questions and he never missed a beat. Besides the interview though we were also treated to a demo of the game and it really blew me away. First off let me say that these guys are Star Wars geeks. When Tycho asked if the Trandoshans actually speak Trandoshan and the developer corrected him and said their language is just called Doshin and their planet is called Trandosha, I knew we were in good hands. They explained that players can take damage not just to their body but also their mind. The only way to regain this lost mental health is to…well, relax. You actually have to go chill in a cantina and chat it up with your buddies. They showed us one of these cantinas complete with a band of player controlled characters playing strange instruments. We also got to see a player's house on Tatooine. It was a beautiful three story structure. I asked about the accouterments inside and was told that a skilled player can build all his own furniture. When pressed about the speeder sitting outside they said that they are working hard to get single player vehicles operational for the launch. I really hope they can pull this off. I mean what good is a speeder or a swoop if you can't take it for a little spin. All in All the game looked fantastic. They showed off the day night cycle a few times and gave us a close up look at some of the models. They seemed especially proud of the Bantha whose shaggy fur actually waved back and forth. The best thing I can say about his game is not to worry about it. It will be exactly what you want.

Clone Wars
When I first read about this title in EGM the preview said it was a vehicular combat game. Immediately I pictured a Star Wars version of Twisted Metal and my heart sank. Thankfully this could not be further from the truth. In reality Clone Wars is more like Rogue Leader on the ground. You will play as one of three Jedi throughout the game Mace Windu, Obi-Wan Kenobi or Anakin Skywalker. In the mission I saw the player took control of a Republic Attack Gunship during the battle of Geonosis. The first thing I noticed was the scale. As the ship flew over the battlefield taking pot shots and Techno Union Starships you could see hundreds of tiny clone warriors exchanging fire with droids below you. The amount of action on the screen was incredible. The player was also able to issue orders to his allies via the directional pad ala Rogue Leader. They did a fantastic job of recreating the massive scale of the battle from the movie. The game kicks off there and will take you to some familiar planets as well as some created especially for the game. Various missions will put you in control of everything from a speeder bike to a tank. You will also get the opportunity to step out of your vehicle on occasion and kick some ass Jedi Style. In addition to a very solid single player campaign the game will also feature a series of multiplayer modes. This all ads up to make it one of my favorite games of the show. Clone Wars is set to drop some time in September, which if you ask me won't come soon enough.

Knights of the Old Republic
I tend to agree with what Batjew had to say. I don't know if he was around when Tycho and I talked to Brad Grier from Bioware about it, but he told us that they have not yet optimized the game for the X-Box. I am confident that given some time it will look as good as it did last year on the PC. Aside from the visuals the game sounds very interesting. The fact that it takes place nearly 4,000 years before the events of Phantom Menace gives the developers a lot of room to play. They said one of the great things about working in this time period is that you don't have to share the spotlight with anyone. Your character is the star of this show. I asked if we would see some new force powers and was told that the game would indeed include powers that have never been seen before. The other item I found especially interesting was that you will actually have the option to turn your character to the dark side through your actions. Depending on the way you handle certain situations or interact with various characters your Jedi can follow either path. This culminates at the end of the game in one monumental act that will determine your characters final affiliation. Nothing else could really be said about it but it certainly sounds intriguing as hell. In the end this is a title I will be keeping my fingers crossed for.

Bounty Hunter
The name of the game here is action. This game has been built from the ground up to deliver an experience along the lines of a classic Hong Kong action flick. Bounty Hunter follows the story of Mr. Jango Fett and gives you the inside scoop on just why he was selected to be the blueprint essentially for the clone warriors. The controls are relatively simple. Flying around with your jet pack looks very easy and Jango will automatically target enemies as they come into range. He will also grab ledges as he gets close to them without you having to do anything. This makes for some pretty amazing action as He zips around with his jet pack, a gun in each hand tracking and firing at different enemies. You will also be able to lock onto one specific target which will then keep all your movements relative to that enemy. You will be able to roll and strafe all the while maintaining your lock. Scattered through each level will also be bonus bounties. These are characters whose capture is not integral to the storyline or the completion of your mission but will earn you extra points. To complete your mission you will have access to an arsenal of weapons including sniper rifles, flame throwers and missile launchers. Over all Bounty Hunter looks to be another must have for Star Wars fans come November.

Well I think that's plenty for now.

-Gabe out

Though this term accurately represents my sleep schedule, I'm actually referring to a game I saw last week.

As soon as I called Kentia Hall the Gaming Ghetto, an inauspicious back lot where nothing of substance is ever displayed, I should have recognized that I was tempting fate. Arush and Digitalo were talking to Fate actually, and they were like, "We should show our game there just to kinda fuck around with him."

I considered scanning it, but a few gifs wouldn't do their press kit justice. It's set up like the vile Grathius Corporation's dossier on the main characters, with photos paperclipped to quick summaries of their misdeeds. The folders that contain the information are distressed (Jargon: Trade, Crafts - made to look worn). I don't know if they just took them out back and threw rocks at them, or what, but it was a really good idea. In fact, I was looking though it pretending to be an executive when I decided to write this.

A man could run out of adjectives talking about their particle shit, which they call "OFX." Devastation has the best particle effects for liquids I've ever seen, and I'm not some guy off the street who hasn't seen Goddamn particle. I just got back from E3, for Chrissakes. Everybody is trying to make water come out of a pipe or a barrel and theirs doesn't look as good. If they can maintain a caliber of level design approximate to what they showed off - and what they showed off was as much a living place as it was a file on a computer - then we'll be hearing a lot from these guys.

The guy giving me the demo kept doing cool stuff, he picked up a bottle and then broke the end off - the jagged edge does more damage, I asked. See, I'm looking out for you. The bottle was just one thing though, you can pick up or otherwise interact with many things in the environment, while powerful physics handles the interactions between them. The guy suggested something I hadn't thought of - by placing a row of cans in an alleyway, one might get early warning of intruders through there in multiplayer games. I applauded his cleverness. I titter when I imagine what could happen from a multiplayer perspective, just in general - the filthy city, gametypes which pit corporate shock troops and revolutionaries on the fringe of future society at odds with each other - well, it's something to celebrate. I've got their cards, I'll just start sending them fully formed multiplayer concepts and see if any make it in.

They're using the term "cyberpunk" to describe the context all this takes place in, but you can't just throw something like that out with me and expect to get away with it. I told them to put me in touch with the guy they've got writing it, because I think that the reason cyberpunk is done so seldom in gaming - a natural home for it - is that it's very easy to do wrong. They agreed with me on that point, so hopefully I'll be able to baste and grill their man on the finer points of the genre, and see if we've got somebody who knows his Sterling from his Stephenson.

(CW)TB