So, now we know what Blizzard was planning. While it would have been nice to see a tactical FPS with a strategic overlay, I am not displeased in the least by this announcement. The issue of who exactly is doing what on this game always seems nebulous to me, where Nihilistic Software ends and Blizzard begins - we deal with that in the strip - but a reasoned analysis tends to allay any fears I might have. Lord Of The Clans was an internal project and they killed it, even after years of investment. They aren't likely to release anything with their name on it that isn't at least "very, very, very good." What's more, while we think of Diablo as a Blizzard game, the people behind it - Blizzard North - were once a studio called Condor, picked up on the strength of their proposal. Blizzard is in the habit of making very good decisions, so if they think Nihilistic has the sauce I'm going to call it good.

I need somebody to tell me what the fuck is going on with the copy protection on Battlefield 1942. If I may, I would like to be frank with Electronic Arts, and publishers in general about these technologies.

I fit into a certain class of gaming/technology enthusiast. There are still things that are fundamentally mysterious to me about computers, but I know where everything goes - I can build machines, I can fix machines, and I have friends for whom I build and fix machines. I'll spend two days trying to tune my 3DMark Score. I think of my enthusiasm for computers as a sort of vocation, and the real-time management of logical systems (also called "gaming") is something I take very seriously indeed. The precise curvature of my smile and the the performance of my machine are directly proportional.

So, when I go out and buy your Goddamned game, and you proceed to rob me of my time and clock cycles with copy protection schemes you imagine secure your bottom line, please let me assure you with the utmost gravity that you are living in a fantasy world. You might as well be drinking fairy wine out of an acorn cap, discussing the finer points of Gryphon Husbandry with their comely queen. The only people these Goddamn mechanisms of yours screw are paying customers, because people who just want to steal your game have always had very easy time of it. You are credulous in the extreme if you perceive otherwise. Put it out of your mind. I said, put it out of your mind.

Me, I want to buy your game. I'm on your fucking team! But I still don't tolerate your attempts to stymie my device. When I take your game home, the first thing I do - well, after I download patches for a game you knew was broken when you mastered it - is acquire readily available versions of the executables with your stupid crap removed. I feel no remorse whatsoever. You got paid.

The reason I delineated my point in the technical continuum earlier is to illustrate a concept to you: I have no idea how your fruity SecuROM or whatever thwarts my computer. However, that is a matter quite apart from my ability to negate it. There are websites everyone knows that contain your mystical secrets, splayed sensuously for our delectation. And even if I exaggerated before - even if everyone doesn't know where to find this stuff - everybody knows someone like me. When you put out a patch, a patch minus your garbage comes out the same day. If you don't know this, I'm not surprised. If you do know this, why do you keep rolling that boulder up a hill? There's a halfway house for retardeds like you right across the street from me, you'd love it. They just circle the block, singing songs and drinking Pepsi. Sometimes, they lay by the tree and drink the Pepsi. I never see anybody drinking anything else over there, maybe you get in trouble. It's either that, or Pepsi sponsors congenital defects.

I want to applaud Bioware for simply removing this garbage from Neverwinter and giving me my computer back. People complained, they removed the check. That's how customers and companies work together. I don't want to seem callous to the needs of knob-slobbing corporate fuckheads, though. I know when you're all coked up it's hard to know which voice to listen to. Should I fuck that bitch? Should I suck that cock? Should I remove the SecuROM? It all runs together.

(CW)TB out.

it's one for the money

Wow, the response to Starcraft: Ghost has been pretty insane. I took some time this morning and visited a few message boards just to get a feel for what people thought of Blizzards latest title. It seems that an overwhelming number of you guys are pretty pissed off. I have seen links to no less than three different petitions asking Blizzard to make a PC version with robust online support. I can understand how all you PC gamers might be upset over Blizzards announcement but I for one couldn't be happier. If you have any questions about why I might be uninterested in a PC version of Ghost Just take a look at this quote from one of the many angry threads out there on this subject:

"if you honestly think 1 game is going to increase console sales you're an idiot. i'm not going to buy a console under any circumstance. if they came out with the game on pc i would've bought it, but oh well. hopefully they'll make up for the loss by becoming a 10 minute fad for teenage console kiddies."

Oh if only Ghost was a PC title with multiplayer support, then I could play it with this fucking winner. You want to know what the worst part about Blizzards past games has been? PC gamers. That's right, it's you petition signing sons of bitches that have ruined every other Blizzard game I have ever played. The thought of enjoying a well designed and masterfully produced Blizzard creation on my favorite console is just shy of erotic. No whiny bitches complaining about a huntress rush. No junior high school kids using hacks to kick my ass while calling me a n00b. No, just me and my console of choice playing through a well thought out single player campaign set in the thrilling Starcraft universe. I'll go a step further and say I hope that Blizzard decides not to include online support for their console versions. If I want to play a tactical shooter on a console while someone relates a wild tale of sexual debauchery with my mother, I'll play SOCOM. If Blizzard simply must include some kind of multiplayer experience I hope they limit it to a split screen mode. At least that way I can choose the assholes I want to play with from my own stable of friends.

-Gabe out

In response to the argument that Blizzard is alienating it's mainly PC fan base with its move to consoles I have this to say: Shut up you retard. It's not like Starcraft: Ghost is only going to be available on the moon. You don't need a fucking spaceship to play it. It's for consoles, they sell them in stores for God sakes. Stores by you probably! Don't tell me you can't afford one either. We both know you just paid four hundred bucks for that brand new GeForce 4. It's not like scraping together a hundred and fifty bucks to buy a console is going to kill you. And don't give me that bullshit about not wanting to buy a console for one game. If you don't have at least one console by now you're missing out on a lot more than just StarCraft: Ghost my friend. I understand that your PC is cool and that half life was a great game but if you don't own a console you are missing out on hundreds of great games every year. Role playing games, fighters, platform games, shooters God the list of amazing games you will never play is fucking endless. The PS2 alone is practically a necessity for anyone who considers themselves a fan of electronic entertainment. They should be dropping the fucking things out of airplanes over war torn Afghanistan along with flour and water. It's a basic goddamned human need. If you don't have one by now it's nobody's fault but your own.

-Gabe out

It’s so cool when people make my point for me:

Shut up and die. The only reason why anyone enjoys consoles (or buys them) is due to the consumption of lead paint as a young child. The propritary systems, the complete lack of onlineness (and o, yes, your bithing about hacking is about as non-relevant as anything Joe Lieberman has ever said) and the utter crappiness of the overly accepted PS2. Good games? Like what? Can you name any truly original console games to come out within the last 3 years?

(Name removed to protect the incompetent.)

Truly original console games in the last three years. Let’s see…hmmm…No I guess you're right I can’t think of a single one. Well, unless you count:

REZ, Shenmu, ICO, Frequency, Pikman, Animal Crossing, Space Channel 5, Tony Hawk, Grand Theft Auto 3, Seaman Jet Set Radio,Soccer Slam, Crazy Taxi, Samba De Amigo Lost Kingdoms, Super Monkey Ball...

Would you like me to keep going?

I wouldn’t go holding up the PC as some kind of paragon of originality my friend. I would need a bachelor’s degree in mathematics just to count the number of games that use the Half Life engine. Shit and half of those would be Half Life games. Let’s see, you’ve got Half Life gold, silver, platinum, I mean fuck they're running out of metals. “Coming soon Half Life: Aluminum edition!”

Me, I go where the games are.

-Gabe out

Your mom is a wildcat in the sack.

(CW)TB