The ersatz Reader Appreciation Month continues, apparently, with the return of
href="http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2004/04/07">Twisp and Catsby
. I’m not
exactly sure what happened, but at some point we must have realized that we have a penchant
for creating characters that resonate with people and then promptly forgetting they exist.
I have a suspicion that the recent Everquest 2
coverage is designed to staunch the flow of possible defection from their own monstrous
timesink to a timesink of slightly more cunning
manufacture. It has never stopped being fashionable to ridicule Everquest, jokes of this
kind are always well received - but I do respect the lineage. It’s been out for a long
while, seen many expansions, and retained a large playerbase through the use of Pavlovian
conditioning techniques. It is a game so addictive that you will let your baby die while you
work toward your next level. There’s just something pure about that.
I also have to wonder if these guys are seriously thinking about some of these screenshots
before they release them. God dammit publishers, we have offered time and time again to look
at your screenshots and tell you if they are offensive in some way before you expose us to
their toxins. This would cost you a hundred thousand dollars if you went to a consultant,
they’d look them over and then they’d tell you they were all great and hold open their palm
for the money. One company has taken us up on this offer, and saved themselves a world of
grief. When you put out a shot like this
one, I just shake my head. We gave id what they deserved with their flying jetpack head
devils, but to that shot’s credit it did not include any fantasy hermaphrodites. Gamespot’s
quote beneath this shot is “You’re In Their World Now, And It Looks Fantastic.” First,
that’s one of two times you directly quote the slogan of the company without irony. I need
you not to do that. Second, no it doesn’t. Lest you think I’m being selective, here is the
entire screenshot
archive. You’ve got a few shots that would have passed muster, and a few shots
distributed like the red constellation of a herpes infection. Gamespot might be referring to
the spell effects, which aren’t themselves offensive - but they certainly couldn’t have been
referring to the shot right over the quote.
The issue with the shots isn’t technical - this is an engine that flexes the juice in DirectX
9 in ways that we don’t often get to see. A few nice landscapes and bump maps are plainly
visible, one could think to themselves that this is something they could gaze upon without
injury. The issue is a grievous imagination deficit. They look as though every original
element has been painstakingly stripped away, until reaching some predetermined, inoffensive
generic void. On technical merits, the engine easily bests WoW. There’s no contest. On
vision, on the manifestation of artistic vision scale which I have just invented, you can’t
even see World of Warcraft from where they are. World of Warcraft is in a harvest field
wading through golden, chest-high wheat. They are in a cold place shivering as they
wait for a morning that never comes.
(CW)TB out.
i’m sorry it’s like this
I’ve gotten some mail from people asking if the shadownet spies in the multiplayer portion of
Splinter Cell:PT can do Sam’s signature split jump. The quick answer is, yes they can. I
snapped these pics last night.
The problem seems to be that none of the levels are really designed with this in mind. There
are only a few places where the split jump can be performed. Not only that but only two or
three of these spots actually offer any strategic benefit to performing the move. I’m
assuming ubisoft will eventually release some new maps for SC:PT multiplayer. I’d like to see
them designed in such a way that the spies have more opportunities to use this awesome move.
I’m totally hooked on the multiplayer game. I haven’t even touched the single player. I’m
sure it’s fine but I just can’t pull myself away from the Spy vs. Merc action long enough to
try it. I’m not saying I’m the best SC:PT player ever but I have learned a few things that I
thought I’d share with you guys. I hope these tips help some of you out.
Playing as the Spy:
-while running towards a wall, double tap “Y” just before you reach it in order to perform
the wall run. This will make the spy sprint up the wall in front of you. If there is a ledge
above you he’ll grab onto it and you can then pull yourself up. If there’s no ledge he will
do a backwards summersault off the wall. Some people have questioned the usefulness of this
second maneuver. If you are able to do it just right you can kick off the wall and land on
the head of a perusing merc. This will kill the merc and make you look like a total fucking
bad ass.
-Spy cams can be used as offensive weapons. Don’t think of them as cameras that you can use
for reconnaissance. Think of them as tiny gas bullets that you can launch at patrolling
mercs. Fire one at a merc and quickly hit the “A” button to release the gas.
-Shocking the mercs is always fun but try aiming for their face. A direct head shot with your
shock rifle will actually short out their helmet and turn off their HUD. For the merc this
means he loses his radar, his ammo and health indicators along with the ability to see the
status of any capture points or alarms. It’s super disorienting and it takes a while for the
helmet to reset itself.
-When you have a merc in a choke hold you can talk to them by holding down the white button.
This is fun but a better strategy is to knock them out (right shoulder button) or snap their
neck (A button) as quick as you can. The reason is that a talented merc will yell out to his
partner the second he’s been grabbed and alert him to his location. You don’t want to give
them the time to do this. As to whether you should snap their neck or just nock them out,
well each one has it’s advantages. If you kill a merc, he will re-spawn again with all his
mines and gear. This makes your job more difficult since now you need to deal with even more
defense. There are certainly times when killing him is the right move but think
strategically. Sometimes a little nap is all they need.
-Your different vision modes are useful but don’t rely on them too much. A smart merc who
uses his EMF mode will see you coming from a mile away. The EMF tracking mode can pick you up
even through ceilings, thin walls or vents. Use your vision modes in short bursts. On and
then off again real quick is the key to staying hidden. If you see a merc’s visor go blue
that means he has switched to EMF mode. Your best bet is to go totally dark and not use any
of your gear until he passes.
-The most important thing though is communication with your teammate. You really need to
coordinate your attacks and work together. Try setting it up so that you are both disarming
different bombs at the same exact time. Cause distractions to take some heat off your
teammate if he is in a tight spot. By firing an alarm snare at one of the many sensors in
each level you can trigger an alarm without exposing yourself to any real danger.
Wow that was longer than I expected. I’ll to my tips for the merc side later.
-Gabe out
Heren Istarion, the New York Tolkien Society, is holding their traditional Ringbearer’s Day at Marymount Manhattan College where you can absolutely geek out and nobody can say boo about it. Look at some of this stuff that’s going on, it might be for you.
(CW)TB
Speaking of Splinter Cell:PT. Page seven of our sixteen page comic book is now online. This is actually one of my favorite pages of the entire book. Am I allowed to say that without sounding like an asshole?
Also the fourth and final page of our Farcry comic is up. We told them we wanted to do sort of a silly take on their very serious game. They said okay but I’m not sure they expected that Jack would end up riding a Gorilla.
-Gabe out
Okay, so there is a big Ghost Recon: Jungle Storm contest going on and we are a part of it. The way it works is you go sign up here and then you play some 3 on 3 matches online. At the end of the competition, the two teams with the highest rankings will be flown to San Francisco where they will battle it out in the Sony Metreon. There are lots of awesome prizes, like flat-screen TV’s, a surround-sound home theater system, PlayStation 2 peripherals, and a Plasma TV. Tycho and I will be there and you’ll have the opportunity to play against us if that’s something your interested in.
-Gabe out
In the last week I have been accused of selling out to Blizzard, Ubisoft and Taco Bell. While it’s true that I would gladly sign over my rights to Penny Arcade for a life-time supply of meef and cheese churritos, that day has not yet arrived.
The fact is that we talk about and advertise the shit we think is hot. If we’re advertising a game it’s because we chose it. We are like the vegetable guy at your local Safeway. We hand pick only the freshest titles to display on the site.
I actually have been avoiding writing about Splinter Cell:PT for a while. I was afraid that people would say I had sold out, what with the comic book and all the ads. Even though I play the game every fucking night I refused to write about it. How stupid is that shit? I mean, what happens if we get asked to do a twenty page World of Warcraft comic, am I gonna turn them down because I don’t want it to look like I “sold out” to Blizzard? No fucking way!
Tycho and I are going to keep talking about the games we love. God willing those will be the same games we’re advertising and creating comics for. Just consider the alternative for a second. Would you rather see us talking about Splinter Cell and advertising the new Scooby Doo game? I’m not going to apologize for the fact that the games we advertise end up being the games we talk about in the post. We are advertising them for a reason after all.
I’ve said it before but I think it’s worth repeating. You will know when we sell out. It will be painfully obvious as you drink your Gabe Shake and play with the tiny Div toy you got in your Penny Arcade kid’s meal. Until then, cut us some fucking slack.
-Gabe out
