I feel like I need to emphasize that the strip does not exaggerate the game in question or add things where things do not exist. You really do "possess" a bowl of dog food in an effort to terrify a dog, which can then be possessed itself in that state - indeed, there are more than four hundred breeds of dog, each with their own statistics, which makes Geist the Gran Turismo of dog scaring.

One of the weird things about Penny Arcade trying to cover E3 is that - precisely because I enjoy video games - I actively avoid some of them because there are things I don't want to know. To go to a media event whose explicit function is the dissemination of information and then spend days cowering from it is something truly ridiculous, but I really would like some gaming event in the next two years to have some bit of novelty associated with it. So, for example, all I could tell you about Thief: Deadly Shadows is that a) I'm happy the franchise did not disintegrate, and b) there really is the most fetching graphical effect when Garret is in the dark, which we can assume will be often. When he's illuminated, it's like "Hey, there's a thief," but in the dark they have chosen just to accent just the edges of cloth and leather with a tasteful, almost illustrated glow, like moonlight. Let me scare up a screenshot for you, though you really do need to see it move. I'm fairly excited for this game, but it's not really based on anything since I've sworn off real knowledge about it. I even look forward to the ability to play in third person, which I understand is somewhat heretical.

What I saw of Freedom Force vs. The Third Reich was alright, and their whispered intimations about a wholly new type of multiplayer storyline-based gameplay was invigorating, but I might have been hoping for a more significant visual leap. I don't mean pixel shaders or something, I'm saying that they have a wonderful, compelling cast of genuine characters and a naive world on the brink that I want to see better realized. They are moving to Gamebryo, a new version of their engine, the effects of which we weren't able to see - but I'm not really talking about technology, I'm talking about aesthetics. The inspired art that drew me into the game in the first place only gets seen in loading screens, and then crude facsimiles of those characters take their place in the game world. This was fine when the first Freedom Force hit, with a magical quality that seized our minds. I hope you'll forgive me when I say it's time for the series to make good on its artistic promise.

From the story outline we were given - and a wonderfully melodramatic new origin movie for newcomer Nathan Graves, a.k.a Tombstone - we'll be well served, which is exactly what I expect from Irrational. The levels will be more dense with interactive objects, as well as that dynamic lighting the kids are always talking about. Modifications and custom content will be automagically packaged and sent to opponents or comrades. Cool new powers and new progressions for old characters are in. Visually, though, it doesn't feel like a sequel should. Maybe I'm not being fair, but Freedom Force is one of my pet franchises and I'm allowed to be partial.

Speaking of another Irrational game - Tribes: Vengeance - I walked up a steel staircase and played it a bit as well, but my experience - hitchy vehicle control, poor prediction on the LAN, things like that - isn't something I've seen echoed from other quarters. It is because of this that I've decided to do something drastic, something that may well change the face of history. I am turning to Tribal War - yes, Tribal War, our eternal enemy - for their take on it. They go map by map, weapon by weapon, and deliver a fairly exhaustive chunk of coverage that will likely answer your questions, as much as it may pain me to admit it.

(CW)TB out.

did i do all that i could

Writing about the Phantom is actually really complex, for reasons which are themselves complicated, but in the meantime I do reccomend you check out this image over at HardOCP. When we arrived for our meeting, the doors actually had signs on them that said Flim-Flam, Chicanery, and so forth - just like the strip. We found this odd.

(CW)TB

Like Tycho, I have been avoiding a lot of game news lately. I don't know if it's just nostalgia or what but I've been thinking a lot about what it was like buying games when I was a kid. I remember getting games based on the screen shots and stories on the backs of their boxes. I've gotten kind of tired of knowing every detail about a game months before it comes out. KOTOR was really the first game that I purposefully avoided all news for and it was one of the best gaming experiences I've ever had. Obviously that has a lot to do with the fact that the game is awesome, but I think going into it with no knowledge of the story or mechanics really helped. Recently I picked up Onimusha 3 after a similar media black out. Since I haven't read any reviews or anything I don't know what other sites are saying, but I know I love it. I was disappointed by the lack of action in the second game. Onimusha 3 delivers enough action to more than make up for the slow plodding pace of the second game. I don't want to say much more about it because I don't want to ruin it for anyone. I highly recommend renting it at least if you're a fan of the series or action adventure games in general.

Another game I have been avoiding news on is Jade Empire. I couldn't stay away from it at E3 though. It turns out that it's even cooler than I expected. For some reason I assumed it was going to be a classic RPG with similar mechanics to the ones found in KOTOR. It turns out it's actually a fucking action game that's heavy on the RPG elements. The combat is fast paced and real time. Switching between fighting styles is accomplished with quick taps of the D-pad making it easy to flow seamlessly from one style into another during the course of a fight. When I saw the main character punch a guy so fucking hard that the dude actually exploded I turned and hugged the guy giving me the demo. Punching a ninjas head off will send a geyser of blood spraying out of his neck as he drops down to his knees and then onto his stomach. I asked what kind of rating the game will have and they all sort of smiled and shrugged. I had high hopes for Jade Empire and I actually came away from the show even more excited for its release. It's a bloody Kung-Fu action RPG with incredible graphics, a fantastic story and a unique visual style that only Bioware could deliver. What the fuck more do you want?

In other news, Kara and I found out that we are having a boy. I am actually going to have a son… wow, that feels so weird to say. Little Gabe will be making his way into the world some time around September 28th and I can't wait. I'm super excited to start teaching him how to pee and throw a football. We spent about an hour at the ultrasound place. I honestly don't know how doctors can tell what the fuck is going on by looking at that indecipherable video feed. She kept telling us the baby looked great and everything was normal. I stared at the black and white images with her trying to pick out the things she was showing us. Obviously I'm not a doctor but to me our baby bears a striking resemblance to hammerhead from Star Wars.

Man, I am totally going to fuck this kid up.

Don't foget, my e-mail address is now gabe@penny-arcade.com

-Gabe out

Wow, that's not weird or anything.

(CW)TB

Ziggy writes in regarding Thief: Deadly Shadows.

If you really have completely sworn off all knowledge about the next thief game, read no further. Otherwise, I can warn you not to get your hopes up too much - recall that Ion Storm's making it, and they're using the same engine as Deus Ex 2. So odds are good that:

1) It won't run on anything less than the fastest available computer with the highest-end graphics card, unless you manually edit the game files and turn off all the pretty graphical effects - since they won't allow you access to those options in-game.
2) Fire, gas, moss, and water arrow pick-ups will be replaced by a single general-purpose 'magic' arrow, which will provide ammo for any of the above.
3) Since there's no skill point system to do away with, we'll probably see the complete disappearance of the random loot used to buy equipment for the next mission. Instead, every mission will have a standard, fixed item loadout, a number of objectives to complete, and no incentive for exploration at all. 4) Between map size/complexity and number of levels, the game will end up taking you half the time to complete as thief 2 did, even assuming you explore every empty nook and cranny.

Oh, and since the PC release is scheduled for the same day as the xbox release, odds are also good that you'll be charged $50 or more for the privilege of owning a game that won't even run poorly until they release and you download several hundred megabytes of patch. While I'm as happy as you that the franchise didn't disintegrate, based on what they did to deus ex 2 I've already written it off. I won't be buying it until you guys or some other trustworthy source tells me it's as good as a sequel to the thief series ought to be.

I included this because I think it's likely representative of a wide segment of the gaming population. Shit, it's representative of me when I actively engage my brain and bring its full vigor to bear on the issue. I'm on some Pet Sematary shit, so bereaved at the loss of Thief that I will accept even the zombie version if it means I can have it back. That's why I made it clear that I had no reason to be excited about it - I choose, contrary to reason, in opposition to knowledge, and blind to experience to reserve some portion of myself pristine for that game's retail release.

Here's an article I found for you on Gamespot that I won't read, but might answer your own questions.

(CW)TB

I posted it late yesterday so some of you might not have seen it. We have a working store again. We finally just decided to let the guys over at Thinkgeek handle it. Right now it’s got most of our current crop of shirts. In the next couple of weeks you’ll see our new Posters added to the list. A little after that you should start to see some of our new shirt designs like Baby vs. Rhino, Twisp & Catsby, “It’s not for you” and a new got wang shirt. So if you want to buy some Penny Arcade stuff check it out.

-Gabe out

Of course I wouldn't read it, but if you don't mind ruining your dinner here's the last preview you'll ever need. There's probably no better source for this kind of info, come to think of it.

(CW)TB

Page 14 of our Splinter Cell comic book is online now (click on downloads). Only two pages left. We are finalizing the plans now for our next round of Penny Arcade Presents comics. We’ve got three new projects lined up right now. I should be able to give you details on them pretty soon.

-Gabe out