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Tycho

In the most incredible season of electronic entertainment on record, I’m not ready to be yoked by a single game - to pull a plow with my neck through some frozen continent.  It’s the classic pendulum swing, away from persistence and toward immediacy.  I have a feeling the game will still be around when things swing the other way.

I’ve reliably had something like fifteen people online playing Gears every night until Wrath hit, and last night I was lucky to have four concurrent - the game came down like a guillotine.  It reminds me of Australia’s feral cats, for some reason.  An evolved, unbelievably efficient engine of destruction for whom every other species is just meat.

- The Left 4 Dead demo didn’t sell me on the game, which has made the last week or so incredibly bizarre.  I’ve read only one other dissenting opinion, and his handle was “Poop-master” or something ridiculous, which didn’t help.  So, I called them up to see if I could come over and find out for myself.

I was glad to see that the PC version lets you select between Push To Talk and Open Channel for voice, because it’s not really a Push To Talk experience.  If Donkey Konga is a game that is, at root, about “Clapping With Your Friends,” Left 4 Dead is very much about “Saying Oh Shit In A Very Loud Voice.”  When a torrent of ravenous dead are running down on you, there’s no opportunity to extend a pinky and daintily initiate conversation re: your collapsing skull.

In general, the concept of The Director - an omniscient entity that dynamically alters game flow - is a very interesting concept.  But I don’t really play games strategically, I play them intuitively, reacting to whatever happens to be occurring, so that encounters of the form

abaB aBAB bAbB

all have more or less the same texture to me in the same environment. A director that altered the “set” or inserted an “alternate scene” would provide for me the kind of dynamism they have described. I got the dynamism I was looking for from its Versus mode, a four on four experience where players play the entire “movie,” alternating sides. There’s a kind of algorithm it runs through at the Safe Room checkpoints, determining score, but the main factors are how many people survived and how much health they had when they got there.  This means that you begin the level with a perfect score already:  you are carrying this score gingerly throughout the level, and the enemies are there to beat it out of you.  Shooting enemies is relevant only because it allows you to retain more health.  In co-op, getting everyone to the safe room would constitute victory: I don’t pay attention to score in that context. Also, I’m likely to shoot zombies just because they’re zombies and that’s what you do with those. But when you’re being hounded by four players in concert with their nefarious Director, and you’re being scored exclusively on health, you run from one end of the level to the other - and you never look back.

This versus mode is only available on two of the four “movies,” which is a shame, but this being Valve I’m certain they’ll remedy the situation.

- Child’s Play is already off to an amazing start, and as happens every year affiliated events are cropping up.  Tickets for the official Child’s Play Charity Dinner and Auction are now available, and they usually go quickly, so if you would like to eat something delicious and watch us emulate respectability this is really an amazing opportunity.

(CW)TB out.  

is this really your plan

Gabe

I may have mentioned before that I’m sort of a gadget fiend. I am especially fond of getting new cell phones. While I loved my iPhone I was also patiently waiting for that “iPhone killer” to come along. As time went on I got more and more tired of my iPhone. The problem was I couldn’t justify switching it out because nothing else available really compared. Eventually my thirst for a new gadget outweighed my better judgment and I picked up the new At&T Fuze. This is just their version of the HTC Touch Pro. I was interested in the slide out keyboard, but mostly it was the promise of their “TouchFLO” interface that got me excited. I’ve had the phone now for about three days and I can honestly tell you that TouchFLO is a pile of shit. 

Actually that’s not true, TouchFlo is like a very thin candy shell over the stinking pile of shit that is Windows mobile. Looking at my text messages for example is at first very cool. As I scroll through them each new message spins up from the bottom of the screen in what looks like a tornado of whirling letters before coalescing into a readable message. however as soon as I want to reply or get more information the TouchFlo interface disappears and I’m shoved into windows. This is true for each and every one of the phones features. contacts, programs, email all of it. It all looks great for about a second but as soon as you try to actually use any of this stuff the facade disappears and you’re navigating through fucking windows. 


TouchFlo is also ridiculously slow. Often times it can’t keep up with my scrolling. The phone turns off when you hold it up to your ear but then doesn’t turn back on when you move it back down to input commands. It often doesn’t know when I have it landscape mode and when it does it takes forever to make the switch. The touch screen is unresponsive so I usually end up just using the click wheel. There’s so much frustrating bullshit about this phone I could go on for a while. The only good things so far have been the very pretty screen, the nice speaker phone and I had a very good experience with AT&T’s GPS navigation program. In the end I feel like that’s hardly enough to warrant me keeping this thing. I have thirty days to return it so I guess I’ll be exchanging it for a 3G iPhone. The gadget freak in me doesn’t want to go back to it, but I really feel like it’s spoiled me. I’ve seen sites online that have tips about optimizing you’re fuze but they all involved editing config files buried deep in the bowels of the phone. I’m not a fucking programmer and I shouldn’t have to be to make my phone work. I have no desire to scroll through lines of text so that I can change a 0 to a 1. I purchased a phone not a hobby.

So I guess I just reviewed a cell phone. I’m pretty sure that’s not why people come to Penny Arcade but I was so pissed off by this thing I felt like I had to share. Oh and yes Will, I know you told me so.


So the Lich is back and we have a new shirt to commemorate it. 



We’ve also restocked a classic design that I think is relevant again. 



Also, bidding continues on my Jim Darkmagic painting. I’m blown away at the current price. I think most artist’s have to die before they get to experience this kind of success. 


-Gabe out

Tycho

Seriously, Though?  ButtFlo.

(CW)TB

Gabe

It’s the only thing I could think of that rhymes with touch.

Tycho

DOES IT?!?

(CW)TB

Tycho

MuchSLO.  Go with that, it’s better.

(CW)TB

Gabe

Did it take you four hours to come up with that?