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Tycho / on Fri, Jul 26 2002 at 6:57 am

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Make Me A Match

Warcraft III is the game of choice around here, as I am sure it is elsewhere, and we lose virtually every time we play online.  It’s actually sort of a joke, now - asking someone if they want to “lose at Warcraft” is essentially inviting them to play at all - but we don’t really mind it.  The fact is that we are better at losing than most, we can be defeated more spectacularly and in less time than most, and we can parley our strong chain of early successes into fiery perdition.  Like the young man who blames the controller, or the Brenna who blames the Dance Dance pad, we carry on the rich tradition of blaming the mechanism for our own ineptitude.  As I said, it’s no big deal.  When you’re as good at losing as we are, you’re really a a part of the winning team anyhow, working together with your captor to ensure that his stay in your base is a pleasant one - and ensuring repeat business from his ravening and rapacious horde.  How do we do it?  It’s easy.

  • Don’t Build Defenses Of Any Kind, as these will only impede their grave Taurens in the performance of their duty, which is pulverizing your entire Goddamn operation.  Instead, furnish your foes with amenities like quenching potables such as branded sports drinks to help them regain lost electrolytes.  Remember, your annihilation is thirsty work.  Be grateful for his attention!

  • Never Build Units Which Can Attack Air, because they may inadvertently destroy enemy air units.  Why not build mainly first-tier combatants, like Grunts, Huntresses, Footmen, and Ghouls?  When Undead Frost Wyrms breathe gusts of frigid corpse breath, it is your obligation to die.  But, please make a show of running to and fro, as the dance of prey will often excite and entice your master while he floats on the wind.

  • Try Not To Expand, because your moral and intellectual superior on the other end of the Battle.net desperately needs that cash if he is to produce the most fabulous units the game has to offer.  You may gaze upon his unholy Abominations, powerful Gryphons, and leathery Chimaera with a sense of real pride, knowing that you helped make all of that possible.

If you act in accordance with our Three Ways Of Failure, we guarantee that - as early as your first game - you will experience a reaming so intense that you will wonder if anything you felt up to this point was real. 

Before we even got underway, it looks like the grand plans for a full-on Penny Arcade radio station are dashed.  We had at least three shows roped in, fleshed out conceptually, and awaiting little more than finalized playlists and a hot mic to actualize them - but check this out.  That link goes to Save Internet Radio, a site that - like many bastions of activism - is almost entirely illegible.  About the only thing I can derive from it is that something bad is happening to somebody at some point, and it seems related to Internet radio, I think, and that’s what I wanted to do.  If what little I do understand from there is correct, it’s the MP3/Intellectual property discussion again, with a twist - big-ass companies, or even bigger-ass, Voltron-style, impervious fucking “I’ll form the head” coalitions of companies are pissed off because they think Shoutcast stations are going to bite their bottom line or something.  I don’t mean to play the demagogue, though I think I fit the part, but I’m not going to explain why individual Shoutcasts that serve a couple hundred people tops aren’t a threat to music, business, or the business of music.  I’m exhausted by this discussion, which is problematic, because I need energy reserves to combat it.  I’m tired of trying to explain to these people, and believe me, I’ve sent the mails, that even if what they said was true - that Information Age technology is dismantling their business model - it’s not like they can undismantle it at this point.  They’re fucked.  They are fully cognizant of the fucking.  So instead of competing with each other to produce a new product or service, to plant a bold flag in new territory, they form this cartel, perhaps cabal is a better term, and they’ve got the bankroll to pulp anyone you’d care to name - let alone Bob Shoutcast over here on Port 8000, whose twenty friends simply appreciate his choice in music.  That’s why that Palladium shit I was talking about makes me so afraid, because comprehensive support for Digital Rights Management - I’m laughing actually, thinking about just whose rights - will give these groups a system parallel to existing copyright law, where they call the shots virtually ad infinitum, without these niggling issues of Fair Use to contend with.  I apologize, this is a long paragraph that I had no intention of writing.  I was not heretofore aware of my full passion on the subject.

I am resonating with excitement as I type this: our Super Mario Sunshine from VGD should be here today.  We thought it would be yesterday, but it was not to be, so we salvaged the afternoon Dropping the Bomb with Scotty D and Making the occasional Jam.  Good, first-hand info on the latest Mario is certainly available to you, if you want it:  I’m sure Planet GameCube would love to have you, as would Gamers Dot Com.  Today, God willing and the creek don’t rise, we’ll get the game that kicks off a nearly unbroken string of Nintendo’s most powerful brands, flexed between now and Christmas.  It’s this period (or the expectation thereof) that spurred many initial Gamecube purchases, and the period I’ve told many people to wait for when considering one of these machines.  I don’t even own one of the Goddamn things, and I’m still excited. 

(CW)TB out.

thou art not vanquished


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