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Tycho / on Mon, Jan 3 2011 at 12:00 am

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The Globfather

People have a kind of reflexive, ironic kata when it comes to the word Orwellian.  I can’t blame them completely for this reaction, as the term has been deprecated somewhat by its increasing necessity.  But it’s not his fault that he was ahead of the game, or that he identified the insidious tendency of organizations to warp language.

Here’s the comic, before I forget.

If you are not insane currently, PepsiCo’s press barrage for it’s new organic sludge glucose vector will help to encapsulate the sensation.  These are real quotes.  That is to say, a person said these things.

- “We see the emerging opportunity to ‘snackify’ beverages and ‘drinkify’ snacks as the next frontier in food and beverage convenience,” Ms. Nooyi said.

- Mehmood Khan, a former Mayo Clinic endocrinologist who heads PepsiCo’s nutrition group, said in an interview that it’s outdated to think that snacks are dry and beverages are wet.

And, this may be my favorite:

- Researchers who developed Tropolis said the texture has been designed so it would flow out of the pouch openings

Which is good because, I mean, consider the alternative.  We laughed so hard that I began to see spots.  I had to consciously hold myself up on my chair to keep from r-ing on the fl.  Then, I started to feel as though I were drowning.  In twenty years, I wonder if we’ll have any language left that isn’t based on flavor or texture, if it will be possible to describe any object, event, or emotion without the use of delicious terms like flaky or moist.

If this year is anything like years previous, donations to Child’s Play (and wandering, vagabond checks from friends of the initiative) aren’t actually finished arriving - but the new year is a good time to take a final count, and then relate said count to the people who made the count so stupidly, inconceivably big.  $2,294,317.53 is the total, which ticks the lifetime total to just under nine million, which is what you made happen in my most secret dreams.  If it is possible to Win Charity, you have done so.  This year, at least.  If you have any ideas about how we’re supposed to crest over 2.3 million dollars next year, I’m open to suggestions.

(CW)TB out.


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