Penny Arcade

I. I just woke up from surgery. I wish that I knew what was happening. The main thing I gotta do is apologize to all these people for making them wake up in the middle of the night. I ate some chicken wrong and it’s now impacted a lot of lives. Let's get the ol’ shame engine warmed up - it’s never been off this long before, two full hours they tell me, and I feel naked in the absense of its oily cloak. Dr. Shanna, Nurse Belva, I'm sorry. I think a better man might…

They threw the crib door wide in Washington State for vaccines come the 15th, if you want one you can have one, provided you’re over sixteen I think. I got in just under the wire because of the old Asthma commingled with my substantial bulk. For the longest time I wasn’t really aware of the fact that I had fairly significant asthma, just that I preferred Strength to Cardio, at least partially because it was physically possible for me to do the first one without feeling like a black,…

Here’s how it works: if a person comes toward me with a needle, for any reason, my mind becomes decoupled from my body. It floats above, looking down. Thus freed from natural human strictures, and possessed of a wild animal’s desperate desire to live, the body does everything it can to confound and evade any attempt to puncture it. Blood draws are this way, but also the administration of a life-giving - or, at any rate, life retaining - serum, and so when the needle approaches my…

It's a really twisted business model to rob people of the sunset of their lives by goading them with shit they never would have seen otherwise. Grandma doesn't need to know about this shit. She doesn't need to know about demonic sneakers. Unless Lil Nas X drops a sick collab with Dr. Scholls, she's good. I was raised to think of Satan as a real person, so when songs or album covers invoked this kind of imagery and they told me it was all devil worship I believed them -…