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anon / on Fri, Mar 29 2002 at 8:44 pm

From the I’ve-Got-Your-@*%$-Canon Dept.

All right, Mr. “It’s-Gotta-Be-Official-Canon”... let’s see if we can’t think up some more games that exist strictly in the Star Wars universe for you.  After all, your banal complaints revolve around the multiplayer concept not adhering 100% to the Star Wars Dork’s Timeline Handbook… Have you even played the multiplayer yet?

Hey… maybe what we really need is a Star Wars game featuring Bea Arthur, reprising her role as Ackmena, owner of the Mos Eisley cantina.  You knew Bea Arthur owned the Mos Eisley cantina, right?  The game could be called Star Wars: Bar Hag, and it could be an action/puzzle game, kind of like the Monkey Island series, only in the Star Wars universe, and with Bea Motherfucking Arthur.  You would go through the daily rigors of running the galaxies biggest hive of scum and villainy:  Serving drunk & angry aliens, cleaning up after the occasional bar fight, pausing to dance and sing with your patrons, and drinking with a giant rat.  Doesn’t that sound like fun?


Hey, I’ve got another good one!  Star Wars:  Han Solo, Wookiee Hugging Fool.  The premise is simple enough:  You’re tired of the reputation you seem to have gained as a cool, badass smuggler… it’s just such a negative image.  No, you’re a new kind of Han Solo—the kind that knows how to LOVE.  But how to reinforce this new image?  HUG AS MANY WOOKIEES AS POSSIBLE!  Your basic goal would be to run around and give them all a loving squeeze, proving once and for all that you’re just a big, silly lug with a possible furry fetish.  For bonus points, you could play games with the baby wookiees!  I think this would make an excellent platform game… maybe cell-shaded?


How about a game styled after The Sims?  I call it Star Wars:  Chewbacca the Family Wookiee.  You control Chewbacca, his wife Mala, his son Lumpy, and his father Itchy, who also happens to be the ugliest being in existence.  You can guide them through their various daily activities, including cooking, cleaning, watching TV, and singing with Jefferson Starship.  Hey, you could even control Chewie as he downs a few beers and watches wrestling!  Uh oh… looks like it’s time for the “Change Itchy’s Furry Diapers” mini-game!

The possibilities are endless!  Why not make a game based on the upcoming Star Wars cereal?  Wage terrible battle in your cereal bowl, using cute little marshmallow spaceships, Star Destroyers, Yodas, and Clones!  Gosh… Jango Fett sure is a lot less menacing when he’s in a General Mills box!  “Why’s everybody always after me lucky midichlorians?”

The fucking point of all this is that you need to take your precious Star Wars universe a little less seriously.  The Republic isn’t real, man!  It’s just a story!  Now, before you all deluge me with email, I’m not saying I don’t enjoy Star Wars; just like most of you, it’s my favorite series of films.  Just because you’ve got some good ideas for a potentially better game, doesn’t make JKII bad.  It could just as easily be argued that you’d be taking a game like Medal of Honor, and replacing Allies & Nazis with Rebels and Stormtroopers.  Allow me to reiterate:  Jedi Knight II is precisely the kind of game that needs to enjoy commercial success before a company like LucasArts is going to make anything on the scale you’re talking about, because that kind of innovation always comes with a certain risk factor.  This game is a step forward in the direction that you want to go, and that needs to be recognized.

By the by… are those Stormtroopers with lightsabers that I see in that official sketch?  Why, YES IT IS!  The original concept was for everyone in the SW universe to be carrying sabers.  Let’s take that a bit further, shall we?  Can you imagine a world in which EVERYONE has lightsabers, or possibly even the Force?  You could have a chef, chopping up some onions with a teeny saber… maybe opening a can!  How about a mailman, flinging mail to the mailbox with deadly accuracy?  Oooh, what if there were teeny tiny sabers that everyone used as a butter knife?


As far as Gabe’s Lord of the Rings game goes… if you take out the stupid words he uses to make it sound stupid, it actually sounds like a pretty fun game.  “Just imagine an Elvin ranger ... firing arrows at a hobbit ... while an Orc ... turn[s] invisible and sneak[s] up behind both of them.”  I hope some kind of game developer is paying attention, because this is a game that I want to play!

If anybody wants any more images, I’ve got some here, and here.  Be sure to scope out Boba Fett in his first ever appearance!

(PP)Safety Monkey out.

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