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Tycho / on Mon, Apr 8 2002 at 4:39 am

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X Plus Whores Equals

I wish these people would just forget how to breathe, and die clawing at their carpets - writhing in the useless air like some doomed fish.  In Tribes, precious, forward-thinking Tribes, it was very simple matter to mute an idiot when he begins to broadcast the true extent of his stunted faculties.  Today’s strip just collects our frustration - we can certainly understand why someone might not enjoy the losing, but like the Warbling Chattybitch the strained noises they make have no bearing whatsoever on anything.  There is no politeness for your opposition; World War 2 was not some kind of Axis Vs. Allies bake-off.  If I feel like taking a gun that shoots grenades, that the creators of the game saw fit to include, I’m going to Goddamn well take the gun that shoots grenades. If you don’t like that, it’s a pity I can’t carry two.  Try not to suck so much.               

We are indeed working on the mod we describe today - we’ve even got a press release to prove it.  If you’ve got a press release...  I mean, that’s some serious shit right there. 

People send me shit all the time - actual, wond’rous, wholly tangible things.  When the bolts come loose on your own beloved project, and the number that represents “viewers” becomes a number you can no longer take seriously, people are going to start sending you things, too.  Some of them do it because they’re in a position that lets them give something back to you.  Some crave your readership.  If you, like me, only feel truly conscious once every two or three months - and then, only for enough time to admit that you are overwhelmed by your own life and immediately resume your delicious coma - you won’t feel very deserving of these items, no matter what circumstances brought them your way.  And if you, like me, are me, you’ll try to generate a karmically valid approach to the situation you’ve found yourself in.  And here it is. 

I’m just going to give it away.  When I accrue three thingies, three thingies get sent out.  It’s the best solution I can think of.  Each section will have a link to enter the contest, use that link and that link only to enter.  Anything that goes to my main mailbox regarding this stuff will just get thrown away.

  • Jadeclaw:  If any fur enthusiasts still read the site, listen close.  Jadeclaw is an extremely cool pen-and-paper RPG, set against a fantastical Ancient East inspired backdrop.  Ninja Dragons?  Contemplative turtle monks?  That’s just for starters.  I want to give you one of these, but you need to write me a 5-7-5 form Haiku about the changing of the seasons, and mail it to me here.  I want to know this excellent game - nearly four hundred pages, and filled with original art - is going to a good home, and your submission will prove that you exemplify the martial spirit.  Sanguine Productions (the game’s authors) even threw in a set of dice, which I will also provide to the author who radiates the most calm power.

  • Exploding Dog Book, “Wish For Something Better” :  Exploding Dog doesn’t really have anything to do with dogs, let alone exploding dogs, so I don’t know why it’s called that.  It doesn’t matter.  Humans send him little snips of sentences, and he turns those into comics.  Really interesting comics.  Comics I like a lot.  For some reason, he sent me a copy of his new book, two of them actually, and one of you gets one.  I’ll be sending out the limited edition (numbered and everything) piece of art that comes along with, so if you were already a fan (or became one just today) it’s something you might be very proud to own.  Drop me a line if you’re interested, and I’ll mail you back if you won.

  • Rallisport Challenge:  I’ll never know quite how we landed this one, but I’m not one to look a gift PR guy in the mouth.  I’ve talked about Rallisport before, my brother-in-law Josh and I played it until our hands ached.  We’ve got five of these sonsabitches to give out it looks like, and all you have to do to get one is tell me what you have to do to get one.  If we’re going to be giving more stuff away like this, I’ll need a steady stream of hackneyed hoops to march people through - making you create the contests as well strikes me as a sort of metahoop, which brings me no end of pleasure.  I’ll try to use your contest ideas in future Triple Threats.  Also - They sent along a couple great cheats, for those of you who already own it, or for those you about to: make a driver named WheelToWheel to unlocks Expert mode, or TheGoodStuff to get your hands on Classic.

I think this is going to be pretty cool.

We were thinking of doing a strip on the Tribes: Fast Attack announcement, and we still might - it’s hard to read that interview at IGN and not feel a little strange about it.  I’d like to hear what the creators of Tribes themselves have to say about these revelations, and some have kept in touch with us, but I’m willing to bet they signed something that details very clearly just how much they can’t say about the current management structure.  In a nutshell, I don’t agree with anything I read and I hope that Alex Rodberg trips and falls down the stairs.  Sierra pissed all over Tribes 2, and now they seem to be complaining that it smells like pee.  I stopped playing what I considered one of the best games of all time because I couldn’t count on them not to fuck it up.  This isn’t just histrionics from some guy who doesn’t like shit.  They had patches just to take off other patches.  It’s too early to tell if their new (or, some might say old - Tribes 1 old) ideas are going to make for a better game, a more accessible game, a shot in the arm for the franchise, or whatever - but it doesn’t sound a hell of a lot like my Tribes.

(CW)TB out.

i’ll bury you bastards

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