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Gabe / on Wed, Jun 11 2003 at 1:40 pm

Nokia to gamers: FUCK YOU!

As if the fact that the Nokia N-Gage is a pile of shit was not enough by itself to keep gamers everywhere from purchasing it, the head of Nokia’s entertainment division decided to insult his target audience. In an article over at Gamespot he had this to say regarding their competition.

“Game Boy is for 10-year-olds,” said Ilkka Raiskinen, head of Nokia’s entertainment and media arm. “If you’re 20 or 25 years old, it’s probably not a good idea to draw a Game Boy out of your pocket on a Friday night in a public space.”

Dear Mr. Nokia, my name is Gabe. You might know me better as a member of the lucrative 18-25 year old male demographic. That’s right, I am a 24 year old early adopter with disposable income just burning a hole in my pocket and a thirst for the latest technological gadgets. I also happen to be a gamer which makes me the exact sort of person who might purchase your new cellular phone/portable game system. Unfortunately for you that will never happen.

Your first mistake was creating a dual purpose product that fails miserably at both of its purposes. Your phone is awkward and uncomely. Your game system is undesirable and insipid.

Your second mistake was in allowing Mr. Raiskinen to ever open his fucking mouth in public. His statement is so absurd that it borders on the humorous. In fact if I were not quite certain that he was serious I would think it was a joke. Not a good idea to take out a game boy in a public place? Does this man even live on this planet? Did he make these comments from inside some kind of protective bubble orbiting the earth, insulated from the day to day happenings of it’s inhabitants? If I am out with my buddies on a Friday night and we are waiting in line for a movie or some other event I can guarantee that Game Boys will come out. Not one of my friends is without a GBA. They are practically a necessity at this point. Like bread or water. It is the poor young man still playing snake on his cell phone in the airport that gets the pitting look from our group.

We even strung our link cables across the seats in the airplane on our way to E3 in order to partake in some four player Puyo Pop. Whereas airline regulations will not even allow me to turn on your masterfully designed game system while anywhere near a fucking airplane much less play a game to pass the time. Oh and speaking of great design, having to remove the battery in order to change games…brilliant.

Between your insulting advertising, shitty fucking product and infuriating public comments it’s almost like you are TRYING to get gamers to hate you. I honestly cannot understand how a single company could make so many mistakes. I await your next move with absolute fear because at this rate there is no telling what you might do. Perhaps Nokia agents will scour the globe seeking out gamers and then kicking them firmly in the yam sack.  Or maybe letters! Mailed out to gamers worldwide that upon opening release deadly nanomachines into the air that once inhaled by the gamer begin to devour him from the inside out. God only knows what horrors await us gamers at the hands of these Finnish devils. Stay vigilant my friends!

-Gabe out

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