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Tycho / on Mon, May 10 2004 at 4:30 am

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How To Make Friends And Influence Bats

La Pucelle has a number of systems for accomplishing various things, and young students at the eponymous demon hunting academy must face foes which frequently exceed Potterian standards.  Primary among these mechanisms is Purification, which not only allows you to close dark portals but can also bring an enemy around to your way of thinking.  Once converted you can train them up to improve their skills, or you may simply hurl them into battle against impossible odds.  It’s really up to you.  Us, we go through about twenty bats a week.

We head down to E3 at about noon tomorrow, so all my consumer electronics are feverishly lapping at the wall socket.  This is our fifth consecutive year there, and it is not something that ever wears or becomes tarnished.  What’s more, it’s really two conventions.  You have the event during the day, a howling pandemonium of fever-hot heat and suffocating sound, and then at night you have this reverse universe adjacent to the other one where everyone is drunk.  You see the people who make the games you like talking to each other on a set of stairs which are bathed in green light.     

Someone wrote in and asked me if, when we attend E3, Peter Molyneux runs up to me and just gives me a handjob right there, a question that betrays a level of ignorance about the handjob scene.  When two men meet, it’s assumed that each person is at +1 handjob.  There’s a brief period of “discovery” where deeply encoded statements are exchanged to determine if there are any modifiers to that roll, such as being heterosexual, which is itself negative ten thousand handjobs.  The trouble for me is that making Populous is +2000 handjobs, and Molyneux has made three of those Goddamn things.  It’s +1500 for Powermonger, you know, +5000 for Syndicate, it goes on like that for a while.  The final tally is something like twenty thousand fucking handjobs.  I’d be there yanking on the guy for about a month.  The first few might be special, after that I’m just running down the clock.  I try to avoid him for this reason.     

We have had quite a lot of fun at the Phantom’s expense, and it it would be sad to see those days go, but this article is fairly interesting.  Just in case you were wondering, this is what it looks like when someone with a head for marketing is brought on to solve issues with a brand.  We know many new things about the device:  a keyboard and mouse controller has been revealed, and you can subscribe to the service for different amounts, which allows access to different “tiers” of content - calling their system a “Game Receiver” serves to complete the image of the cable-esque service they’re creating.  They’d also like to give the system away, provided you obtain a year of this service.  Game rentals will be available.  It appears to have a single port on the front, not a huge deal for multiplayer since I’m sure the whole thing is USB and you just daisychain or something, but I did have a vision of the after-now in which all controllers and indeed all peripherals utilize a wireless scheme like Bluetooth, and the console itself is smooth on the front, like a Ken doll.     

It will be interesting to see the language they employ to communicate their machine at E3 - my guess is that they will avoid referring to it as a console altogether now.  Conceptually, it created inconsistencies that (to my mind) muddied what they were trying to do and amplified gamer incredulity.  Saying that it’s a “console that plays PC games” is, in the actual parlance of gaming, like saying that it is an appleorange.  It’s incoherent.

(CW)TB out.

evil’s not my cup of tea

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