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Tycho / on Wed, Jul 7 2004 at 12:00 am

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An Alternate Lifestyle, Part 3

Breathtaking revelations regarding the Sport of Kings come to light.

Yesterday, Pork and myself were able to winnow down the WoW Beta entries from around three thousand to around one-fifty.  When Gabe and I submitted the concept of this contest to you, it seemed pretty accommodating as far as what you could do to enter it.  Convince us of your mystical parentage, and bam - welcome to Beta Town.  And, just as I’d hoped, there really were a variety of different entries.  Yes, we had the baby pictures, recipes, driver’s licenses, and other things you would expect.  We also had pictures of a greasy man emerging from a shower, whose teeth looked as though they’d been cobbled together at random from neighborhood strays.  We got a lot of things.

Point is, I thought that our submission receiving aperture was as wide as possible.  However, as we read through them, I quickly discovered that while the contest itself was apparently accommodating there was a sort of shadow rule structure, one I was not previously aware of, that also governed the proceedings.  This one I knew more by instinct, I had but to look at an entry and its infractions were plain to me.  What follows is something of a revised rule system, which, now that the submission phase is over, really doesn’t do you any good.

Dark Elves are not Night Elves.  Nor are High Elves, ewoks, or pirates.  Spock is not a night elf.  Lucky from the Lucky Charms box is not a Night Elf.  Mr. T is not a Night Elf.  Yoda is an alien, from an utterly different continuity.  I’ll get back to you continuity people in a second.  In the meantime, Jesus Christ and Michael Jackson are not Night Elves.  Under absolutely no circumstances is Neo from The Matrix a Night Elf.   

Bag End isn’t in Azeroth, Felblade Darkhand.  And even if it were, fucking elves don’t live there.

If you would like to win our World of Warcraft specific contest, do not for any reason refer to other continuities.  Certainly, other worlds are nice.  But when I ask you to prove you’re a Night Elf, and then you send me a picture of your fucking Trandoshan entertainer?  What the fuck is that?  No Tolkien references.  Don’t make up other kinds of elves for you to be, because this contest is judged only on how well you comport to the specific characteristics of a particular fantasy race!  Don’t tell me what year you are, or what Hogwarts house the sorting hat put you in.  I delete that shit.  Check this one out:

“My material lineage is of the McLeod clan, known best for being the Highlander’s own clan.”

When I read something like that, it makes the back and front parts of my brain want to touch themselves together.  It is like come kind of code that, when comprehended, unfolds into madness in the mind of the reader.   

Sometimes they start so good!  I’m not so self-conscious that I can’t be transported to Azeroth on occasion, and so when I see something like this: 

“Below is a Night Elf pre-battle chant that my parents taught to me many years ago when the Horde first entered our sacred lands.  Today we sing it everytime before we go off into battle!”

I’m like, yeah!  I’m ready to fight the Orcs!  Then they follow it up with: 

”(Sung to Paula Cole’s “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone”)”

And I’m like, no, sweetheart!  You were doing so good.

(CW)TB out.

with the diamond stylus

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