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Tycho / on Fri, Feb 15 2002 at 12:00 am

Lame Boy Advance

Around the time we signed, sealed, and delivered the Lameboy Advance strip, we mentioned a site called Portable Monopoly.  A place to discuss the relative satisfaction of consumers with Nintendo’s (in many respects) excellent machine, it also focused on devising a true, elegant, and replicable solution to the problems of glare and visibility.  Taking their most recent updates into account, they have engineered a kit - soon available for thirty-five dollars U.S. - that will allow GBA owners to perfect their handhelds.  Today’s comic fast-forwards to a dark future, where people who couldn’t be trusted to transform Optimus Prime from a semi into a robot are suddenly skewering their palms on soldering irons.  As for our representation of the Big N: truth be told, though we probably aren’t supposed to say, we’ve been to Nintendo, and it’s not all that bad.  Everyone we met was really nice, except for the (like) twenty guys that came in to gangbang us at Super Smash Brothers.  We hate those guys.  But everybody else was fine. 
I don’t know if you downloaded that Star Trek: Bridge Commander demo or not.  It’s hard to know what to make of it, and I’ve played through it a couple times.  It’s exactly what you think it is.  I mean, you’re the Captain of this massive thing, and you look all around and talk to people.  There were zero surprises for me in the demo, none at all, which begs the question:  is it because there’s nothing here, or because they did absolutely everything right?  It’s like I imagined the way the interface would work, and it just does that.  I already knew how.  Obviously, not everybody wants to sit in a chair, even if it’s a Space chair, and there are plenty of keys to let you manage everything manually, but I have a feeling that the more naval pace of the combat might not appeal to those fond of the experiences Totally Games is widely known for. I wish I had more than what’s available in the demo to go on, as it’s made me very curious.

ModernTales, as it is currently conceived, is an idea that Monkey and I had when we were eating burritos over a year ago.  The burritos could have had this idea.  Everybody’s had this idea.  Aggregating content - and then, once you’ve aggregated enough, charging a subscription for that content - is hardly even an idea to begin with.  It’s like peeling a fucking orange.  No Bothans need to die in order to get the schematics of that motherfucker.  Getting the intermediary, inedible shit off of something that tastes good is a reflex.  Selling collections of desirable products falls in the same category:  perhaps you’ve heard of “magazines.”  They’ve shown very good taste in their content, though, which elevates this venture beyond a mechanical process - Scott Kurtz and rstevens are on board, for starters.  I mean, look at the Wedlock picture that’s up on PvP right now.  That’s the most vibrant, vital thing I’ve ever seen him draw.  I’ll pay two dollars to have Scott Kurtz kick my ass every month, hell yes.  And their rubric for revenue sharing is also worth a look - I doubt we’re looking at the future here, or whatever, but it’s better than the present, which has a lot in common with a Goddamn nightmare.  These elated visionaries never contact us when they roll out this kind of shit, which is great, because it allows us to maintain this blackguard thing we’ve got going.

A couple site related thingies to relate, and I don’t mean a new cup or some shit, you want to look at this:  BioWare‘s David Chan sent in his introduction for the Industry section, one rarely gets to hear from the “Sound Guy” at a company, which is a bitter irony.  Pulling hard on the bridle, I steered Safety Monkey’s hulking frame into the shameful servitude that is his rightful place - the result is his Warcraft III Beta Diary, which pleases me.  Also, and this might be fun, our ridiculously indulgent masters at HomeLAN just set up a PA Wolf server.  We took out that motherfucking MP_Castle, put in Destruction and Trenchtoast, and limited it to two respawns just as a test.  Obviously we’ll change it if it’s no fun that way, but I’m curious to see if you could introduce the tension of a CS or MoH into the Wolfian arena.  Lastly, for a guy who says he hates Spokane so much, I can’t seem to stay away - Scott Vaio in tow, I’m spelunking that hellhole’s non-Euclidian mazes to finally remix the last of the Fine Print stuff.  Please, please, please don’t e-mail me.  I’m probably going to come back to over a thousand messages, yes, but if I only have to drag nine hundred messages to the trash, you’re saving me valuable clock cycles. 

That was sarcasm. 

Don’t be mad at me.

(CW)TB out.

i’d sacrifice two
to get that slave out of you

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